I’ve been doing a 19th Annotation version of St. Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises for the last couple months with a group assembled by my spiritual director. We just finished moving through the second ‘Week’ of the Exercises, especially focused on sin’s role in our lives. I was unable to attend our biweekly check-in because I’ve been sick with a fever. But I asked my spiritual director to share this note with the small group. Thought I’d share it here…

"A month ago, I spoke of a deep melancholy that filled me as I reckoned with the manifold ways I close myself off to God’s love in my life. Already, before even getting far into the second Week of the St. Ignatius’ exercises, I felt something beckoning me to grapple with my (at times obstinate) sinfulness. That melancholy didn’t really shift for much of the last month. It probably wasn’t helped by the seasonal depression that hit as the sunlight faded. But I’ve got to admit I was a bit disappointed that the feeling of heaviness didn’t dissipate immediately. I was hoping that compassionate engagement would resolve the weight on its own. But I think I needed to do that stewing… Not to get bogged down in metaphorical language, but I think a kind of spiritual fermentation process needed to happen—sorry, I’m grossing myself out with this metaphor; I’ll stop.

Because of lapsing behind on the lectio assignments earlier this month, I circled back this weekend to pick up some that I had left by the wayside. One of those was Psalm 32… These verses sank into me so quickly… so deeply:

While I held my tongue, my bones withered away, *
because of my groaning all day long.
For your hand was heavy upon me day and night; *
my moisture was dried up as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledge my sin to you, *
and did not conceal my guilt.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” *
Then you forgave me the guilt of my sin.

I didn’t realize until then that although I’d been processing my sinfulness in the presence of God, I hadn’t truly been processing it with God. That psalm helped “close the loop” and light up the path out of the mire. It had been a long time since I last went to confession, but in reading that psalm, something within me said, “Go.” So I went to my parish priest and made confession for the first time in ages. And as I finished my part and he spoke the words of absolution, it clicked. “This is what I’ve been waiting for, God. I just had to come and get it.” The heaviness felt a lot more manageable, and apparently my mood lightened noticeably, because Benji kept asking why I was so happy.

Anyway, as we turn to the next pivot in our journey, I’m grateful for this most recent reminder of the grace left to us in the Sacraments. Entering the season of Advent and steeping ourselves in the miracle of the Incarnation, I’m excited to see what new depths get illuminated. I’ve got a hunch it will tie back to the Sacraments for me (because everything seems to, these days). Look forward to sharing with you all next time.

Holding you ever in my prayers and asking that you pray for me as well. Grace and peace to you all.”